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spinning and shining, laid up on a tabletop
2001-12-02-9:19 p.m.
So what do I have some major fucking character flaw or something? I guess so. It's got to be something, and no one will tell me to my face. You know it's something shared in hushed whispers when I'm not around. It can't just be luck, because probability alone can't do this. Of course that would be easier, if it was obvious. I know enough to know that my problems aren't likely from outside forces, they're likely from me. Your appearance, your station, your physical surroundings, thats the easiest thing to change. Your personality, it's god damned persistant. Do you know how I want to be? I want to be the guy who says whats on his mind, the instant it's on his mind. Nevermind someone getting mad, or hurt, or finding out the truth, or looking like a fool. People always admire and are intrigued by that level of honesty and character, but it scares them. And it's scary to attempt it. I'm really going to try though. I hope I can go through with it. Although I think brutal honesty could actually bring on drama. The real goal should be to just stay honest and to maintain integrity. It will sure as hell be disconcerting, but I bet it will be liberating. But to do that you have to have nothing to lose. And more and more that's the way I feel. I love it to death when someone realizes your not actually peachy, and asks, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I do this?" Like they actually are a big enough blip on the radar to upset my world by themselves. Yeah buddy, Real. Fucking. Likely. It's not any one person, or several people really, it's just the way. I actually think it's better if you don't get to know people too well. You can leave them on the pedestal, and imagine them as perfect. I want to be able to throw away all my things. Whats the use in them anyway? We're all just animals. Sure we all know we evolved from animals. The difference is, I believe it, and it doesn't scare me. There's no good way to wrap this up. There is no ending, because I don't know it. For once in my life I really don't know what to do, and the feeling isn't that bad at all. -- Ronnie
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