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rattlebrained and stretched out
2001-11-29-1:21 p.m.
So basically I'm not updating because theres really not much new to report. It's not that I'm stagnant, just that it's the same old same old, and since I can barely suffer it, I don't expect you to enjoy reading it. I'm back on the wagon, as it were, eating well and working out. I'm in a place right now...it's hard to explain, even for me. So although it's complicated, if you want to read it, here ya go. Lately I've been hanging out with Jerry a lot, we went to see "Spy Games" last night. Good movie. Jerry is one of the few people I connect with, and to be honest, one of the few people who can keep up with me durning conversations involving highly abstract and complicated ideas. The downside is we're so different from everyone in this area. There are good people here, sure, even friends. But you can't talk to many people about how you're world view is leading towards determinism, and it's scaring you. Like I said I met this great girl, and we talk a lot, we're going out again this weekend, but I wonder about her. We like a lot of the same things, and she's great and all that, but what about when our conversations take on real depth, and delve into the aforementioned abstraction and complexity? I can pinpoint the day my relationship with Lindsay went bad, and it's the day when she realized I was out of her league intellectually. Some people are cool with this, they aren't so wrapped up in ego as to think intellect is the sole measure of worth in a person. It doesn't bother me if someone is more intelligent or knowledgable than me. On the contrary, I love it, because it affords me a chance to learn and grow. To some people though, it's threatening, because their intellect may be their only ace in the hole in dealing with other people. Now please don't jump to the conclusion that all I like to do is sit around and contemplate the universe, or my navel, or quantum physics, because thats hardly the case. But it's something I need and enjoy occasionally, and it's one of the more lacking things in my day to day life. (Food, sleep, and joking are easy enough to come by). So what is my point? The point is that right now, I'm in the waiting period. Thats the toughest part. I have to hold out until the new year, and thats a royal pain. The bad thing is, at work I have the attitude that they are actually privelaged to have me here, so I'm hardly busting my ass, but fuck 'em. They don't do any more for me than they have to, I don't do any more than I have to for them. My family is the same way, they expect me to fix everything, tell them what to do, what to buy, who to call, everything. I don't mind helping, but they refuse to think for themselves when I just answer for them. Man this diary kicks ass for making me spell things out. And you guys kick ass for reading this far. So I do find solace in some things, working or tweaking my car (Pulled the better part of the interior yesterday, redoing some electrical things VW should have designed in themeselves on the car) But my family takes even that from me, trashing any open space I leave in my garage, constantly pestering me to come help write this paper, fix this on the computer, see this, move that, and I do it, like a chump, every time, getting madder all the time. I pay for pizza or groceries out of my own pocket because theres no food for my brother and sister. Why the hell can't people figure things out? Why do people reach a certain age and say "Hey, I've grown up enough, no more maturing or learning for me, I've got a job and a tv and thats all I need?" Will people ever realize that by helping other people, you can improve your own situation? If everyone would be respectful and fair, then things would go so much better, would flow so much easier. But people can't, so sometimes you have to be an asshole right back. Then they'll learn. I never ask anyone for shit. So no papers, no computer work, no groceries, no money, no favors, no extra hours, no help, until I can get caught up on my own shit. This doesn't apply to everyone, because some will and have helped me, but I'm gonna be a lot more specific, thats for sure.
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