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There is a summer, it's all the time, for every one of us...
2001-10-30-10:46 a.m.
(This is a sidenote, added on Wed. the 31st. I worked 13 hours yesterday, and after that, I just went home and painted on my mural until I was so exhausted I could barely crawl into bed. Everybody is getting together for halloween tonight, hopefully there should be about 15 or 20 people. Hanging out with big groups of your friends who you haven't seen in a while? One of the best things you can do. There are so many things I want to do, and I have no time with all the work. I give this another week, and if by next friday it's not resolved, I'm going to quit, even for the money, it aint worth it.
Now please enjoy yesterday's post, as I have no time for one today.)
Whoa whoa whoa it's good to be back. I've still been busy at work, but I'm rapidly approaching the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm also through with my self-imposed hiatus from updating. (I'm sure you're all just overjoyed) I think for my growth to continue I need to constantly put my experiences and feelings into words, as I'm doing here. There's not really an need for me to get specific, but to touch on what I've been up to: I've accomplished something I had put off for a long time, and it wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be, but I'm relieved nonetheless. I sense I'm waiting for something to happen, yet I know that thats not good to do, when you dont know what it is you're waiting for. Thinking about it now, I think my life has lost it's excitement. For me, a thing that gives me that excitement is speed. Not just physically going fast, although that's great too, but living my life quickly, without a lot of planning, but with a lot of effort. I think there is a tendency as you get older to slow down, to find a comfortable little niche and to sit in it, walking forward sure, but along a nice, clear, even path. The problem with that is, even if you move along the path quickly, it may not lead where you want it to. So yeah, I don't think what I want is so different from what everyone else wants, but do I want to wait until I'm 50 to achieve it? Do I want to go about getting these things in the normal way? Lately I've been thinking that there really is nothing standing in my way, I could be come a millionaire, an artist, a spiritual leader, whatever. Being a white male living in America, there aren't that many physical roadblocks to my progress. And I'm very talented and intelligent, so I have a good chance at accomplishing what I want. The trick is deciding what it is I want. I've never been the type to think that a physical thing will fulfill me, although I have some nice things and I want some other things, I don't believe for a second that material things alone will make me happy. And I'm not depressed or unhappy, but I know I could be a lot better if I had a girlfriend. So the problem for me, is that just having a girl, who I think is cute, and who is for all intents and purposes is my girlfriend, isnt really enough. In order to find a girl, or to be with the types of girls I come across, I really will have to compromise myself. I dont want to why, but just suffice it to say that I'd need to hide or tone down my intellect, my vocabulary, my confidence, my sex drive, my beliefs in order for the relationship to work. And I completely realize that relationships are all about compromise, but it shouldn't be in some areas, and the compromise shouldn't be one-sided. I see so many people I know who are in relationships that are "good enough" or not Mr. Or Miss "Right", but Mr. or Miss "Right Now." And I've done that before, and it really seems pointless to me. Some people talk about having someone being better than having no one, but for me it's not, it saps energy and resources and time, which we have little of. Having a Significant Other sorta means they're the only one, and how long should you stick with someone you know isn't right? A year, a month, a date? Or how long can you fool yourself into thinking that someone is right when you know in your heart they're very wrong? Lots of people put up with unhealthy or seriously flawed people because they are seriously flawed or unhealthy themselves. Or at least they think they are. So I really hope that someday I find someone I can be myself with, or that I never give up trying. I can't live my whole life as an act. Maybe someday I'll just break down and settle for someone, but I honestly hope I never do. I've never seen a woman walk by that was beautiful enough for me to change something good about myself for. It's a close race, but the I still think with the right head. ;-) -- Ronnie
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