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The only consolation is, today I know I lived.
2001-12-05-12:19 a.m.
Whew. Well guys, I hate to say it, I really do, but for your own sakes, you have to stop reading my diary. Why? Because I am full of shit. I'm a big fat liar. I basically talk a big game, and I'm really just a big wuss. No really. So there's really no reason to read what I write, because I'm just talking RIGHT out of my ass here. With the exception of this entry, which I think is truly my best to date. I'll explain. See, a few days ago I had an epiphany of sorts, a revelation. I fully realized it with the help of Christina's advice. I am very capable and talented, in a great many things, I know I'm very well rounded. But I have a weak spots, and it's risk taking, or guts. So I resolved that I would just say and do what I felt, regardless of consequences to myself, and just stop thiking so god damn much. And this worked out for me, tremendously. It elevated my mood, got me out of my rut, and helped me make progress in so many areas I was previously stuck in. Especially with the "older and wiser and makes more money than me girl." I've been trumpeting my success and glad I'd finally dealt with this weak spot. It was such a weak spot that I'd tried to compensate for it in other ways, but of course it didn't help much. I had the relief of knowing that I'd had the strength to address what is my foremost weakness of character, because I had essentially hit the nail on the head. Alls well that ends well right? Not in my world... So with this newfound confidence, tonight I went out with this other girl. We've been friends for a while, but there's always been this hint of something more. She is amazing in so many aspects, and very sexually attractive (at least to me, really my type) but circumstances have always been in the way. But we've always have an amazing time together, and tonight was no exception. And I resolved to stop trying to be cool and to really, really, just be myself. And I did. And it worked. We saw a movie, had coffee, snuck into the VW dealership to look at the cars (loves my favorite cars too), shot pool, grabbed dinner, and had fun the whole time. I was charming, honest, relaxed and confident. And she was definetly sending out signals, and not subtle ones, (pool jokes ya know, balls and sticks and the like.) And at times during the night I really wanted to kiss her. At one point she leaned over in the car to look at a cd with her face very close to mine for a long time. An obvious "ready to kiss if you do" signal, but not the sort of thing I wanted to do in the jack in the box drive through (I'm not cheap, she wanted stuffed jalapenos.) But I resolved that when we got to her house, I would walk around, open the door for her, say "thanks I had a great time", and kiss her. The time came, I was confident I had a good chance, and we hugged, she looked up at me, and.............. I wussed out. My heart was beating in my chest a mile a minute, I was on the verge of visibly shaking, and I couldn't find words. I said a half-dozen stupid, obviously ridiculous things, and left. I felt like I made a complete ass out of myself, but in reality probably only looked goofy or tired. And it doesn't matter if I would have been rejected or not. I know the friendship would have been fine, even if my ego would have been a little bruised, but the only reason I didn't do it was a lack of courage. Only once before was I rejected by a girl, and it didnt bother me in the least, I look back on it fondly now, and we laughed it off and we were drunk anyway. Rationally I know I am a decent looking guy. I've been with several very attractive looking women, I'm often hit on by gay men (although they are a bit forward anyway), and I've even slept with girls on the day I met them. And I know I have a good job, a good sense of humor, a decent brain, manners, everything. Not the greatest but pretty good surely. There isn't a lack of courage when it comes to other social situations, speaking in front of groups, as a radio dj, confronting people, all no sweat. No problem when it comes to physical harm, getting punched, flipping a 4 wheeler, heights, nothing. But I'm scared of girls. By the way, I called her back after talking this over with James a few minutes later. I was going to ask her to come outside and just kiss her right then, but she was already in bed. Which is good, because it teaches me the lesson that CHANCES PASS YOU BY. Half of me hopes I never get another chance with her again. I certainly won't get one as good as that at any rate. Because then I'll have a staunch lesson that you should never let opportunity pass you by. Whether or not I would have been rejected is beside the point. I orchestrated the challenge, I predicted it, and to me, it was important. But I let myself down, for the first time in a long time. It may sound trite, and I know I'm lucky if I only have one, but tonight I have to go to bed with a simple thought. And it's one that has never burdened me so acutely before. I have a regret.
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