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of crushed velvet, candlewax and dried up flowers.
2002-01-30-12:03 a.m.
One good thing about this diary is that it give me a chance to get things off my chest, and to vocalize them. Right now I should be asleep, but I have too much on my mind. The whole relationship with this girl I've been seeing is deteriorating rapidly. I won't get into details, other than to say that I know she wasn't right for me at the beginning, but that I'd hope we could be friends, and just be affectionate and the whatnot. Now she's really attached, and no it's not because I'm this amazing wonderful guy that people think that I think I am. (got that?) It's mostly because she's just really needy of a relationship, and I'm being nice to her and basically different than the redneck guys she's dated before. The snag for me is, I want a relationship too, and while she's great in some aspects, she's just not my type. All of this though, is making me fixate on another girl, who I'm probably just blowing up in my mind to be this person she is not. Sorta trading one set of problems for another. But I think relationships, love, and everything that goes with it should be dangerous, and exciting, and keep you on your toes. Safety and familiarity are great for a while, but it wears off. Maybe some day it won't, and I'll wish for or be glad I have an obedient wife who cooks and cleans and supports everything I do and does what I say. To me though, thats a gross, antiquated, unhealthy way to run a lifelong relationship with someone who is supposed to be your equal. At any rate, I sure don't want to start a relationship at that point. I'm not perfect, hell I'm probably my biggest detractor. And I certainly don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but I guess in the long run, I can't expect her to not get attached if I keep being nice to her. On the other hand, I can't just be mean to push her away. This other girl is what ruins it, but I get more enjoyment from just thinking about her, than I do from being with the one I'm with now. You know it's worth something when you want to be with someone, and yet you couldn't even think of fooling around with them. When someone challenges you to be a better person, not by asking, but just by being who they are, it's really amazing. I can't think of anything I would rather be doing than spending the day with her. And before you go thinking I'm all lovesick, I'm truly not. I not that we are right for each other eternally or anything so set. It's that I love life, and the world, and so many things in it, and when someone can help you see the world through them, it's really an amazing thing. I just really hope I can find a way to do what I need to do. Whatever that is.
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