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a reluctant decision
2002-12-19-2:03 p.m.
So I've been reeeeeeally trying to keep my christmas spirit going. Really I have. I'm always telling people who are so stressed out by christmas to just chill out, and to not sweat all the "obligations" of the season. I think I'm doing just that though. I think I'm officially burned out on doing shit for other people. My roomate is always bugging me for help on his cars, or around the house, and I feel bad, because he doesn't have anyone around to help him, and it's typically just something like some advice or adjusting something or helping him with something heavy. And I know he'd help me if I needed it, but I usually don't. Then my dad is always bugging me to come by, wanting me to visit or do this family function or the other. And I don't have any problem with him these days, but I just don't really want to. My dad's entire side of the family is always calling me for something. Advice, or a computer problem, a stereo, a phone, a tv problem, something. Again, they don't know who else to go to, and they're very thankful, so it's not like I fault them either. At work, it's the same thing. I do the things that no one else knows how to do, and typically it's not something that I'm technically responsible for. I like a lot of these people, and I certainly want to help them, but it all adds up after a while. None of these people understand that it's constant. There's always someone who needs something. And it's probably more my own fault than anyone elses, because I encourage it. I'm always opening my big mouth and offering advice when someone is about to do something wrong, and it comes back to bite me in the ass. Now even dealing with Paige is getting to be that way. It's like she doesn't appreciate the sacrifices I make for her anymore. I've tried to talk about it, but she gets upset so easily, and I know that more than anyone else, she means well. But again, I have to shoulder some of the blame, for trying to protect her from things that might make her upset too much. I need to be more honest. Right now it's Thursday and I'm at work, and I should be working right now. And even when that's done, I don't know when I'll get any time to do anything that I want to do. Anytime to just relax. I didn't get much sleep last night, and there's a party at work tonight, and a party with Paiges church group tomorrow night, and my flight out on saturday. And I still have to do my christmas shopping, and pack, and go by my moms house, and all kinds of other things. And the other problem is, even if I can help everybody out, is that really the best thing for them? I know the things I know because I had to learn them out of necessity. I learned to work on cars so I would have something to drive, I learned to build computers because I couldn't buy one that was brand new. I learned to draw because I had to, it helped keep me sane in catholic school and junior high. Hell I even learned psychology out of necessity. So out of necessity, I'm going to have to be a little bit mean, or at least not as giving. For right now, I'm paring my obligations down to the barest of essentials. It may hurt a few peoples feelings, but if my not doing them favors is enough to do that, rather than actually doing something wrong to them, then I really don't care. It's better if I do something now, rather than do something drastic later.
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