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Stand back. Sometimes I like to hear myself talk a bit too much.
2002-07-16-3:03 p.m.
I have a real problem with holding on to ideas sometimes. I had a great idea for an entry, but I decided to go grap a coke first, and now I've forgotten a lot of it. I should have set down right then and written it down, but who really thinks a 5 minute jaunt to the lounge will spoil brilliance? Of course, as much as it may suprise some of you, my brilliance can at times be fleeting. I know, I know, it's a bit of a shock, but it's true. So I�m going to give this a go and see if I can remember everything I was thinking: I came to the conclusion today that I really am accomplishing a lot. The problem is that you can't really see what I'm accomplishing right away. See, if you've got a new job, or a new car, or an award or something, you can show it to someone. "See, I've got this plaque" or, "See, isn't my new home lovely?" But if what you're doing and accomplishing isn't so tangible, it isn't really easily measured, it's sorta hard to show. By now, you're probably wondering what I'm getting at, so I'll explain. We had some more problems pop up at work, things breaking, people freaking out, etc... So I'm getting calls from different people all morning about a lot of unrelated things. It's not all things that are technically my job, but it's all things that they can't do themselves, and they don't have anyone else to go to. A lot of times that equates to a lot of pressure, or at least a lot of responsibility. It's the same way in the rest of my life. Someone needs to buy a new car. Can I help them avoid getting ripped off? Someone wants to obtain something a little bit illegal. Do I know where they might find it? Someone can�t fix their computer and they�re about to throw it thorough a window, could I offer any advice?. A friend is pregnant, and she�s so scared, she can�t even breathe, much less think of what she�s going to do. Someone needs to know why they can�t get along with their child when they used to so well. Someone wants to know why they shouldn�t kill themselves right now. Someone is lost and can�t find that place with the great chinese food in Houston. Someone car won�t start, and they haven�t got the money to fix it themselves, can I fix it? Someone doesn�t know the difference between lager and pilsner, or how to tie a tie. It goes on and on, Sometimes I help because I�m the only one who can. Sometimes I help because I can sense that whoever it is has that little wavering in their voice that says �I just need someone to listen, I can�t handle this by myself anymore.� I�m not bragging, and I�m not saying I�m special. I just know that it�s the thing in my life that I�m supposed to do, it�s what I�m good at, and it makes me happy to do it. I don�t feel like these people are taking advantage of me, and I don�t feel as if it takes away from my own life. On the contrary, I feel like they are honoring me by coming to me, and that it makes my life even better. So when someone asks me what I�ve been up to, or how things are going, sometimes it�s hard to explain what I�ve done. Or more specifically, what we�ve done, these people and I. People think you�re being daft when you tell someone that you don�t really care about how cool your job is, or how much you can bench press, or what certificates you have on the wall to prove how smart you are, because there�s the piece of paper and I must be smart because it�s signed and framed and official on the wall so I must be smart right? I�m married now and I have a steady job and a mortgage and a car with leather seats so I must be doing great right? People really don�t believe me when I say that none of that is important to me. I don�t really give a fuck if they approve of it or not, because they�re probably unhappy as hell and afraid to admit that maybe all their work has been for naught, and maybe they�ve missed the point after all. I find it rather insulting when I tell someone that I�m happy and they tell me (maybe not flat-out, but sometimes you get their point) that I couldn�t be because I�m not married or I don�t have a proper career or I haven�t gone to college and I�m so smart I should go because it would be a waste if I didn�t. So I should get some fucking degree in engineering and make lots of money for myself, and make even more money for some asshole rich guy who probably has less figured out than I do right now? No, I don�t think so. Things are going pretty damned great right now, and I�ve gotten here without asking for help from anyone else, and I think I�ve done pretty well considering the circumstances. Fuck other people if they make you feel bad when you felt just fine yourself, thank you. I�d be willing to bet they aren�t doing so fine themselves after all. I guess my point isn�t easily summed up in some catch-all, simple phrase that you can put on a t-shirt. It�s still pretty simple though. I guess I�m starting to rebel against this prevailing notion that you have to have certain things to make you happy, and that those things are often tangible, for sale, and even finite. You don�t get a car or a house and suddenly become satisfied. Before long you want a better one and a better one. And sure, I�d love to have a motorcycle, and a nice house, but I want it because I could pick up Paige on the bike and we could go cruising along the seawall, or I could invite friends from out of town to stay at my house for the week, or throw a party without worrying about making too much noise or not cleaning up right away. My point is, you can�t get the house and the job and the car first. You get the other things first, the friends and the family and the contentment, and the rest is just icing on the cake.
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