|
Not a new direction, just a course adjustment.
2002-06-24-8:51 a.m.
Well, after reading Jonny-boy's latest entry, and emailing with Bildo I realized that I really need to spend a bit more time putting together my entries. Regard for grammar and perhaps new directions and such. Yep, proper grammar. Right after this entry. Every day I have a roughly 35 minute drive to work. It's not as bad as it sounds, because I have a lot of time to think and eat breakfast and listen to music. Speaking of which, I started listening to "At The Drive In" again recently. I start to wonder why they didn't enjoy more commercial success than they did, but then I realize that it's a little bit too avant garde for the average person. It's really beautiful stuff though. I won't be posting any song lyrics though, sorry guys. To get back to my original point, which I often stray from, I have a lot of time to think on the way to work, and not much else to do. Listening to the radio just serves to make me really mad, what with all the insensitive idiots on the morning radio shows trying to say obnoxious things for the sake of a laugh, and all the homogenized music from the one company that owns all the stations in this town anyway. Listening to my cd's is great, but I haven't got my collection back to the point it was at before some jerk-off stole all my cd's from our hotel room. Ok that's really the last tangent. During my morning commute, I often think of the direction I'm going in my life, what I've been up to, and what I want to happen in the next few days, weeks, and ultimately with my life. More than often, it's pretty much the only thing I think about in the mornings. I think about what I can do differently, how my relationships with people are going, etc... I basically ask myself if I like the person that I am, and if I am progressing in my life at a rate that I'm satisfied with. So more and more, I feel that I've exhausted one direction in particular, and that I've learned everthing I can from this particular avenue. The more I think about it, the more I realize that not every change is progress, but having to backtrack in life doesn't make it a mistake if you truly learn from it. You'll have to excuse me if I get too contemplative and cliche here, but I need to flesh this idea out. Speaking of cliche, talking about the need for balance in life is almost pointless, because I don't think anyone would disagree with the importance of that concept. As it relates to me though, I just realized this morning that I've swung too far in another direction. At this point last year, I was very into myself, and by that I don't mean so much in terms of ego, but in reference to improving myself inwardly and physically. Working out, keeping to myself as much as I could stand it, reading a lot of science/physics/how to stuff, reading a lot of philosophy that was about inward development etc... I wasn't too concerned with outward relationships, my job, or much that didn't involve my immediate future. I was gaining knowledge, but really lacking in empathy. And for the first time in my life I was happy with the way I looked in any state of undress. When I look back at that stage in my life, I remember myself as being very alone, but also very confident. I didn't feel happy, but everything was amazingly clear, and devastatingly focused. Then over the last year, I've swung the other way, I've definetly stopped caring about every little thing I eat and being more physically able than anyone whenever possible, I haven't been very creative in terms of art or music, and I defintely started drinking again. I've also accomplished a lot in terms of maturing, friendships and relationships, patience, trying new things, and lowering my stress level in some areas, but raising it in others. What I'm hoping to do in the next few weeks, is to bring back in all of the good things that I get from each lifestyle, but to minimize the downsides. I have no doubt that I can manipulate my body, but I don't want to obsess over it. I know that I can help other people, but I don't want to do it to the point that I can't take care of my own affairs. I want to avoid overcompensating in one area to make up for a lack in another. I understand that you can't sprint in life forever, sometimes you have to slow down or even stop to enjoy where you've brought yourself, but I just want to make sure that when I am moving, it's in the right direction. This past weekend was really a great eye opener for me. I accomplished everything I set out to do, and there was a lot on my list. I did a great job of working and having fun in equal amounts, and spent no more time than I needed to sitting around. I also learned a few things from time spent with various people, which really enlightened me in new ways, and not all of them positive, but all of them worthwhile. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading, and I promise to try not to post another long, vague, contemplative entry for at least a week. ;-)
Prev - Next
|