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drinking
2001-08-10-8:23 a.m.
GOD DAMN. Let me see where to start. Yesterday was uneventful at work, I went home and ran my 4 plus mile regular run. Today was the first time I've made the run easily with no need to stop except for my usual break halfway to stretch and drink some water. When I got back I was supposed to hurry and get dressed because james and I had plans, but I was so tired I just leaned my head up against the wall in the kitchen and enjoyed drawing breath for a bit. (I woulda sat down, but I was a biiiit sweaty, what with it being a typical 90 degree August, Texas day.) So anyway, with much dragging-of-ass I got in the shower and got ready to go. James and I hadn't hung out in a while, I mean really hung out. And a night of drinking at the VFW with his dad seemed like a good way to catch up. This may sound a bit weird to you folks out there, and I can appreciate that. Really I can. James dad is a great guy though, he's funny like james is, and I work with him (not on a daily basis, but we're in the same department). And I've went to drink at the vfw before too, although not the one on the island. A few family members on my dad's side are alcoholics, and his brothers are always at the local vfw. So for those of you who don't know what you do at a vfw hall on a regular night, it's simple. You drink beer. It's a buck a can and you can have anything you want, as long as it's miller or bud in a can. Actually they have a full bar and some snacks, but noone gets that shit. No one but me and james, when I ordered two johnny walker red's on the rocks to add to our two beers. So I started off the night really wanting to give drinking a fair try again. And remember I'd just ran 4 miles and hadn't really eaten. I haven't drank in months, and it's because I hadn't wanted to. But I always try to do something different and this was a change from the norm. So we kept drinking for the next few hours, and played pool on the crappy little 50 cent table, and bullshitted about work. I smoked way too many cigarettes too. Nothing spectacular, and may I remind you, this is a way of life for millions of people the world over. Thousands drink in similar halls (eagles, elks, american legion) all over the country. When you reach the point where you just sit and drink at a bar every night, you have basically just given up on life. You think you know what life has to offer, and you just say "Fuck it" You have become complacent with mediocrity, and are content to drift through your free time in a drunken stupor. So by the time we left at 10 oclock, I was so energized and so hating the fact that I was drinking, I was literally jumping up and down. I couldn't sit still. And when we got in the car, I was so angry at myself for drinking I was making myself sick. I was sobered up pretty much, and I had eaten, but I was getting sick. I asked james to pull over and I got out and screamed and threw up. He sat in the truck, half laughing and completely understanding. I got back in and he hauled ass off, and didn't bother to ask what was wrong. We stopped at the end of broadway before it turns into the interstate and bought some drinks, and before we made it off the island I had to get james to pull over again. This time I threw up again, pretty violently. I wasn't really sick, so I didn't hunch over, but I walked around this huge parking lot kicking rocks and clenching my fists and just puking all over the place. Between the gas station and the second stop james asked what was bothering me, but I told him it was a long story and I was so sick to talk. He was talking to me though, and it helped calm me down some. His guesses were pretty much spot on and I told him as much. He said I was stuck in a rut, and I am. I'd just never said it so matter of factly to myself. I really am stuck in a rut. I know I need a new job, but I can't just go get something fun, I need to make a certain amount of money to make my bills and rent, but I'll have one soon. That's not the only thing though. I need to change more than that. Whatever I do it's not enough. The lazy miserable fucks I meet in my day to day life just bore the shit out of me. I have a lot of friends, and a few good ones, James, Deck, Chuck, my mom, J.C. People who understand the world and don't sugar coat it. And who appreciate what they have and take nothing for granted. I don't have some happy way to wrap all this up. No lesson learned that I don't already know or that I haven't already mentioned. It has renewed my commitment to not smoke or drink anymore. I knew I didn't want to drink or smoke because it was bad for me, but I still remembered that it could be fun, I'd had a lot of fun doing it. Now I realize that I'm not the same person who used to enjoy that sort of thing. So now I know I'll go 100 percent. No drinking, no smoking at all, for any reason, in any amount. Not forever, but for a very long while. This update wont stay for long, expect something more lighthearted and entertaining before the day is through probably -- Ronnie
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