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too much metal for one hand baby!
2001-05-07-12:06 p.m.
Man, ok it's been a long time since I added an entry. The whole probably 3 people who read my diary may have noticed, but I've been busy at work. I have no goal in mind here, so I'm just going to ramble about what's going on in my life. It seems like every time I look back at the last week of my life, that I've grown, learned, and that I'm different. Just week to week. I can't stand it when people say, "everything happens for a reason." I think that's just bullshit. If you have to believe in some higher power making things bad happen to you just so you can feel ok with the fucked up shit that happens in your life, hey, thats fine with me. I don't think anyone really believes that crap. Oh I think things happen for a reason allright, but your aunt edna didn't die because god wanted to teach you about the importance of family and spending time with them and all that jazz, she died because she smoked like a chimney for 30 years, or ate bacon every day, or maybe just because she was old. It's up to you if you want to learn a lesson from that. And it's up to you if you want to learn a lesson from something good too. Have a fun day, a special day, a happy day? Stop and look at why it was so great, and what about it made it special, and try to make that happen again. There is a natural order to things, cause and effect. It's all laid out there for you to see if you just look. If you keep running out of money, look at your budget a little closer. If you keep picking assholes in relationships, look at yourself a little closer. That's actually the hardest thing to do, looking at yourself. It's easy to say you made a mistake, like "I made a wrong turn at that last light." But it's hard to look at yourself and say, "I was unfair to that person." It's hard to admit that you were wrong all along. Sometimes it easier to convince yourself that you are right, and if it takes a little convolution or twist of logic to make yourself right, you'll gladly overlook it so your little world doesn't have to be shaken up. We're all guilty of it, some to a much greater extent than others though. Someone said "Self knowledge is the only true knowledge" or something to that effect, I don't rememeber exactly, but I think it's true. Self knowledge is definitely the most useful of all knowledge. I know a lot about myself, and I think I focus on the bad parts a lot, but theres a reason for that. I know what is good about me, I know that a lot of people look up to me or come to me for advice and all that shit. But each thing about myself that I don't like is just another challenge. Sometimes people ask me what I've been up to. And on a surface level, all I can say is "Working, working out, saw a few movies, went on a date, did this to my car"... or whatever... But it's hard to tell them that you've went through a lot of personal growth. I may still be at the same old job and hanging with the same old people, but I'm learning about myself and my friends, and that's still very important progress. Occasionally I'll reach a plateau and I'll branch out into something new. I know what I like, who I like, and I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life. Obviously I want to get more of the "what I like" into my life, and get the "what I don't like" out of it. Duh. I think one thing most people miss out on is having a job they love, and thats something I'm trying to work out now. Well, I've basically been thinking out loud here, hope you've enjoyed it, I'd never put these thoughts to words yet. In the meantime though, I'm not yet in that perfect world, so I have to do some things at my current job now, because lunch is over, thanks for reading... ;-) Ronnie
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