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everything you never wanted to know
2001-09-27-8:00 a.m.
*I just bent over backwards and it didn't hurt a bit.
If I brought the world down with me then I wouldn't give a shit. I got a chance here fleeting, and I know too well that this, won't be here for me tomorrow so I gotta run with it.*
I'm not going to do a new entry today because I got so much response from this one, I dont want to move it yet. I will say that I went to a fundraiser for this youth skatepark last night with Lindsay, and BAM, we're hanging out again, the whole weekend is already planned out. Work is going swimmingly this morning too, this honesty bit may just pan out...
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This entry started out as me letting fly on James for his last 4 or 5 entries talking about me, but once I got into it I really thought it seemed stupid and trivial, and that I had something a little bit more meaningful to say. First let me state that his latest entry mentioning me is great, it's honest, constructive, not mean spirited, and based in truth. He talks about my ego trip, referring to my last entry, so let me just, once and for all, clarify that for everyone. I talk about myself sometimes, and although that entry was a joke, as it was meant to be, like he said it's partially true, I do believe some of it. But not to the extent that I wrote in that last entry. I need to explain something to you guys, particularly the people who I know in my real life who read this diary, but also the other 20 or so people who read me regularly, and this is probably the most honest, most true thing about me, that you will ever read, so if you want to know what makes me tick, listen up. I am alone. That may sound bad, or sad, "boo-hoo" and all that shit, but it's not, it's just the way things are. I take care of myself, by myself, with no help from anyone. I get financial help from my mom because I still stay at the house and pay very little rent, but in the next few months that will end too when I get a new job wherever. Sure I have friends, I have family, and they are great to hang out with and may give me a hand taking out the trash or picking me up something to eat or whatever. But when it really comes down to it, it's just me.
Everybody confides in me, everybody spills their shit on me, but there is no one who I can confide in. I know that there are many many great people in my life who would listen and offer encouragement in a heartbeat, but that isn't what would help, they wouldn't understand. Yeah I'm fucking smart, to an extent which few people realize, because some of the thoughts I have are so far beyond anything they can understand. Does intelligence make someone a great person? Of course not. But it does alienate them tremendously. It does make my goals, my desires, and my needs more complex and difficult to attain. I see things and understand things that most people don't want or couldn't handle seeing. Fuck you if you don't believe me I don't really care, but I have no reason to lie here.
I know nobody fits in, no one isn't a misfit in some way, but I'm even further out there than others. Sure there are people like me, but they don't live in my town. There are good people out there, and all of my friends are really good people, and I know they'd help if they could, but they can't. And it's not just me being smart that gives me hell, I'd think I'm ridiculous for that too. Other things have happened in my life, some of which I can't say for fear of hurting other people, some of which I can't say for fear of revealing too much about myself. But through all of this, I have dealt with it myself. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, because I think I've managed very well, and will continue to in the future. As a kid I realized the emptiness of spirituality and the meaning of my being here. Were my parents there? Only to spout forth their formulaic answers. It didn't take me long to realize they'd never really cared to find the answer, and that I'd already gone far past them in my knowledge and questioning of what is probably the most important question in the world! What all this "having to do for myself" has given me is a very strong sense of character, of pride, and a fucking honest knowledge of what I am capable of. The limits of that capability are reaching further every day though. This is the reason I have no girlfriend I'm sure, because my personality won't let me. Most of the time women get in my way, and I'm not ready to make the compromise in my life that a relationship takes anymore. If you seriously need some other person to be happy then you are in for a big slam to your happiness someday. Someday, maybe soon, maybe not, I'll find a girl who won't get in the way, but will be beside or behind me. Not forever, but for a few months or decades or whatever it lasts. Sometimes I get weak and I'll find some girl who I find attractive but don't like, or just downright can't stand and I'll just sleep with them, but more and more I loathe to do that. So I guess my lack of a perfect relationship is for the same reasons as anyones, it's my own bullshit that I need to deal with. Girls are interested in me, I think 3 took notice of me this weekend, but I pushed them away, like I always do. There was one time in recent memory when I did get weak, when everything in my life just slammed the shit out of me, and while I was reeling I turned to a friend for help. And he wasn't there, he made a choice which was his to make. I wasn't that quick to shut him out, but soon after he did it again. And that, James, is why I said what I did, and that is why I don't call you a friend anymore. I can't remember the amount of times you've came to me, but I can remember the time I came to you. My family had trashed our house, we had no water for me to even take a shower, and they were all at each others throats. I just needed someone to talk to and someplace to take a decent shower, and you asked me if I was still going to be there when your girlfriend showed up? You've still got a lot of good qualities and you mean well, I know. You could accomplish a lot if you just try, and by no means am I angry or would I not want to hang out with you, in the future, or even tomorrow. But the trust isn't there because of that, and the respect isn't there because of what you're doing with your life. That could change over time, and I hope it does, but for now thats the way it is for me. But I picked myself up, the problems all passed or were resolved, and I came out of it as I always do, stronger and smarter. I still have no shortage of hope or optimism, and no shortage of honesty either. So when I talk about something I've done, know that it probably wasn't easy if I bother to take credit for it. I lost over 40 pounds since high school, I quit drinking and smoking, I taught myself cars and art and plenty of other things with no help. Running more than a few steps was difficult for an overweight smoker, but now I can run miles and miles at a time, and at a good speed too. Are there things I need to work on? You bet your ass there is. I think I've realized a few of them in writing this, but remember you guys choose to read this diary, and it's going to stay personal and honest. Sometimes the truth sucks, but it doesn't change what it is. Only you can change what is, but like I said, it ain't easy. -- Ronnie
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