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Manic
2001-05-17-12:54 p.m.
I have a million things to say at once, that�s why I�m titling this piece �manic�. The laptop cant keep up with my brain, it�s tricky to type on these things. You know what? Depression, anger, isolation, sadness, they aren�t bad things, they�re gifts. Henry Rollins mentioned that only in moments like these do you achieve true clarity and purity of purpose, and I believe him. I�m holed up in my room, with tool on the stereo, my laptop, the room lit by nothing but my different blue lights and the too bright glow of the screen. I�m fucking pissed. Not at people, not at myself, just god damned furious at the state of things. You know what�s beautiful about people? What�s behind their eyes. It�s so beautiful I could cry. The outside of them may give us a clue about what�s inside them, but it�s not always right. In a lot of ways I�m still the same kid I was in high school. I�m not like everyone else, but I can�t imagine what it would be like if I was. I don�t think I�d want to be. I think on the outside, I don�t care if people think I am a certain way. I know what I am. It�s all a gift. You can�t see it, but that�s what gives us art. There was never an artist who didn�t feel so much that they had no other way to express it. You can say that you�re happy or angry or that the sky is pretty or that the world is wrong, but no one will feel it with you unless you express it through art. I�m fueled by gasoline, alcohol, and nicotine. I don�t care if you never see the world like I do. I don�t care if you never see the world like I do. I don�t care if you never see the world like I do. I don�t care if you never see the world like me. It gives me an edge. A way to survive. There are kindred spirits out there. People who see the world like I do. But there are so many who see the world wrong. Or don�t see it at all. I guess I can see why people wouldn�t want to make something of themselves. It�s easy to just have enough of what you want. Or almost enough. But no one, not a single one doesn�t desire to be something greater. To realize the different dreams that they had as children. I am on that path. Just once, just for a while I�d like a brief respite, a chance to sit and let my bloody feet heel. But it�s just as well, if I sat down I might never get back up. Doesn�t mean I wouldn�t like to. But that doesn�t mean I can. There is no one role model, but several. People who I get what I can from. Just being a good person and being uncompromisingly honest doesn�t get you respect from people. At least not like it should. I think your appearance does. How much money you make, how successful you are, how you physically look. And I suppose that�s not all bad, it�s based in truth at least. I�m really just barely fitting into my skin right now. My life outwardly doesn�t reflect who I am inwardly. Or if it does I know it doesn�t reflect my full potential. I fucked up. I got too mired down in details and mechanics. Go get a job. Do what you need to do, what you are expected to do. But when things get hard I remember, all I have to do is wake up, breathe, eat, and sleep. Everything else is a choice. But you gotta play the game a little bit. Sell your soul a little bit to get to where you want to be. Just a means to an end. You can�t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. The more you push yourself, the stronger you become. Things that were hard before, things I simply couldn�t do before I can now do routinely. Always progressing. There is no destination, only a path. People ask me why I�m always moving so fast. I walk fast, I drive fast, I talk fast, and I think fast. I guess because I have so much to do in my life, and such a short time to do it. Even if I live to be over a hundred, that�s still not a long time, and I certainly don�t have a lot of youth left. Well there you go. My rage is spent. At least the brunt of it. Plenty of it is still there, but I can control it. I want to save some, for when I need it. Ever heard the phrase �It�s better to regret something you did than something you didn�t do.�? I really believe that.
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