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sponge bob, college, bad movies, and ridiculous ruminations
2002-08-19-9:09 a.m.
Am I all about the not-updatin' or what? It's only been 7 days, once a week isn't so bad. I guess I'll just go through things in the order of priority in my mind. First off, Paige leaves for Austin tomorrow, so that basically sucks. I know I'll miss her a lot. I love her and she means a lot to me, and has really made me a better person in a lot of ways. Of course I'm also excited about her leaving, because I'll have an opportunity go hang out in austin and around the college, I won't have to worry about her mom pushing her blatantly irrational rules and curfews on her. Sometimes I think she's more responsible at 18 than I am at 23. Her going off has really made me realize how much anger I have about never being able to go to college, towards my parents for not being able to provide me with the means to go, towards a society that leaves some people with more than they want, and others with less than they need. Jealousy at friends who have either been completely set-up by their parents, or who at least went right off to a university after college and now just sit back in some cushy job making 50,000 a year, telling me "You're really smart, you should go to college." Yeah buddy, I'll go to school all day for 2 days a week and work the other 3, even though I'm eating fucking jack in the box for dinner because I have no money at the end of the month. It's actually more complicated than that, and it's really pointless to feel sorry for myself. These are the cards I've been dealt, and I can say that everything I have I got on my own, with no help from anyone else, for anything. I haven't asked for, or been loaned, one red cent from anyone since I was 16, and I don't intend to beg now. And that's really the problem. All of these thoughts are really negative and not constructive at all. Pride isn't a good emotion to have, it's right there with jealousy and anger. See how they all fit? They're all so worthless. I have a bed in my room my mom didn't want, a desk my dad had no room for, a dresser someone gave me for helping them move, a bookshelf in my closet I built myself, a stereo I bought on sale, and a tv I bought from a guy I knew who got hooked on crack. I bought the rest of the shit at ikea for probably 200 bucks, and you know what? Ask anyone who knows me, I'm proud of how cool that room looks. (It really is pretty nice). But pride is such a stupid thing to have. It just gets in your way, and it can be taken from you so easily. It's not permanent, and it's not good. I mean I don't want to philosophize my way out of getting some more money and some nicer things, but I need to focus on the things I can do, and just take those small steps one at a time. And not do something drastic like quit my job and sell everything I have and move to california like I sometimes fantasize about. (No I don't want to be in showbusiness, but I wouldn't mind being surrounded by cars and surfing) So that's why I haven't updated. Because I'm not out of the storm yet, so I either have nothing, or too much, to say. Oh yeah, and I saw Runteldat, and Martin Lawrence has lost almost all of his sense of humor and just seems too arrogant and self-absorbed now. I also saw triple x, and I can at least say that it looked neat and was fun, and the plot was way more believeable than any Bond film. I also stole some Spongebob Squarepants air fresheners from wal-mart, and they made my car smell like soap.
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