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slowly-turning back around...
2002-01-08-3:12 p.m.
My entries have been both infrequent, and lame these last few weeks, and I'll tell you why. I'm sorta in a rut. I'm actually not sitting still, but I'm sorta in a traffic jam. I've exhausted every form of inspiration and I have no new things to do right now. I should be starting my new job soon, like I said, likely sometime next month, but that in and of itself is not what I'm looking forward to. The job should be as boring as this one, but it's merely a stepping stone. It will give me a substantially larger amount of income, which will allow me to move out, and to hopefully associate with some better people. I not only want my own place, I NEED it, and I need to live somewhere with SOMETHING that passes for culture, for variety. And it's not that the people I know now or associate with are bad, but the greater portion of them are very simple. This is not bad in and of itself, but few of them want anything more in their lives than to marry their first love, get a decent job, and to follow in their parents footsteps. Not everyone around here is like this, and if thats what will truly make them happy, that's great. They may act like they want something more, maintaining that they are as rebellious and different as they've told their parents for years, but they aren't. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's just not for me. My surroundings, my routine, feel like they are pushing the breath out of me with their weight. I don't care if the new job is difficult (It will be) or not much fun (likely boring), it's a greater measure of freedom, and it's different. Change always seems to come to you when you don't want it, and elude you when you desire it. The best thing about this new job will be the travel, I love to travel and hate being in the same place day in, day out, so a work area that spans almost a few hundred miles will be great. My goal now, in the long term, is to own my own business. I want to be able to work my ass off for days, or weeks straight, or to stop at 1 o'clock to go to the beach on a day that begets it. There are so few days a year when the weather is beautiful and you're in the mood to truly enjoy it. Fewer still are the days where I'll be here and my friends will be. It's not natural to be stuck in an office or a factory during the best part of the day for the better part of your life. It may mean I'll be a little scared, and there may be highs and lows, but it will be better than a straight line anyday. It's not about being rich, it's about having enough, and having enough time to enjoy it. I know art and cars and design and all the other things I feel passionate about will still be there, and I hope that someday, someday soon, I can have the time to develop and appreciate my interests at my own pace. I applaud anyone who wants to be a professional writer or artist, but I don't think that would fulfill me as a livelihood, I guess I've never fit in as an artist or a worker bee, and I don't know if thats fortunate or not. Damn this diary always helps me out, and thats what it's here for. I'm glad if any of you who don't even know me are interested in it though.
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